Hey gentlemen, if you’re a Gay and want to become a Heterosexual, you can do it today in just 10 easy steps!

At least that’s what blogger Robert Oscar Lopez wants you to believe. Lopez was raised by lesbians, a situation he apparently found so traumatic that he’s become the expert on ex-gaying.

On barbwire.com, the website of notorious homophobe Matt Barber, Lopez has posted, “Rebuking the Big Lie: Ten Tips for Ex-Gay Happiness.”

Now, you may be wondering: “Hey, can I really be ex-gay in just 10 steps?”

Well, no. Lopez has a lot of “Ten Tips” blog posts on his website for the ex-gay curious. So, once you add “Ten Dating Suggestions for Ex-Gay Men in Pursuit of Women” and “Ten Things to Love About Heterosexuality” — not to mention “The Ex-Gay’s Strategy on Women: Many Top Tens In One” — we’re talking about scores and scores of steps.

As you might’ve guessed, Lopez has some really messed up ideas about this whole gay thing.

First, he seems to think men (and his focus is on gay men here; sorry, lesbians!) become gay after being tricked into it.

“[G]ay activists can flood you with stimuli and arousal techniques to make you curious or interested in homosexuality,” Lopez writes. “Once you try it or find yourself thinking about it, cultural messages and cues all around you mess with your head and convince you that this is who you are, you have to make yourself sexually available to other guys.”

Now, this might make some sense — if Lopez were describing heterosexuality. Since the majority of people are heterosexual, we are surrounded by images of heteronormativity. In fact, if you want to get “flooded” with gay “stimuli and arousal techniques,” you pretty much have to seek it out. Otherwise, that flood is more like an occasional trickle (See: Will & Grace, Ellen, the gays on Modern Family, et al.).

He then writes, “I don’t have much more time before…” — and I’m thinking, ‘Oh no, is he going to die?!’ — but he continues, “before the law makes it illegal for me to share the ten tips I will share in this blog.”

There’s no law against sharing stupid lies on the internet, or Donald Trump would be in prison, where he belongs.

Lopez warns that leaving gay life is hard. “There are certain perks about being gay that you are going to miss,” he writes. “For instance, if you identify as gay, people pity you and give you less responsibility for being a jerk.”

Oh man, wait until he hears about Milo Yiannopoulos.

Lopez continues, “The world feels small and cozy because everywhere you go, you can go to the gay bar and have instant community.”

Okay, wait a minute. There are gay bars everywhere? That is news to me and will likely be news to millions of gay people around the world who live near no gay bars. But I guess Lopez sees every bar as a Homosexual Cheers: (sing it with me, now) “where everybody knows you’re gay.”

“Once you commit to not being gay anymore, things will get hard,” he writes. “In the gay world, you may have competed from time to time for the attention of men with nice physiques; now, you will be fighting against men with even more well-developed physiques, trying to achieve victory over them in order to win for yourself a coveted prize: a virtuous and desirable wife.”

Aaaaaand… f*ck off. Women are not prizes. Women are human beings who have value and worth outside of whether or not they are somebody’s wife.

“Soon you will see how much harder life is for straight guys,” laments Lopez.

And he’s probably right that life is harder for him now that he’s “straight.” Self-hatred and denial are a bitch. But harder for straight guys, in general? Nah. They’ve been riding roughshod over all of us and continue to do so.

It’s my hope that Lopez will one day write a “Top Ten Reasons Not to Hate Your Gay Self.” But until then, I wonder if he’ll include “riding roughshod” on his “Top Ten Gay Stimuli and Arousal Techniques.”