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Hey Woody!

Not only do my boyfriend and I have house-shaking sex, we also do three-ways, groups, baths, and sex clubs.  He is the nastiest, biggest f–k pig I’ve ever run across.  God, I love him.

So here’s the problem: Last month we were in a sex club where he was being gang-f–ked in a sling.  In the middle of everything he bursts into tears, holds my face in his hands and tells me how much he loves me.  Talk about embarrassing.  Try to be a d–k pig in the middle of that.

I adore this man but I don’t understand his timing.  The raunchier the sex act the more emotional he gets about me.  What can I do to keep his legs spread and his mouth shut when we’re being pigs?

—     Stop it, you’re embarrassing me

Dear Stop:

I kept holding your email up to the light to make sure it wasn’t a counterfeit.  But then I remembered, life is stranger than fiction.

The therapists on my advisory panel agreed on two things:

1)  Raunch scenes trigger your boyfriend’s emotional outpouring because he sees your approval of these scenes as the ultimate testament of your love for him.

2) Your boyfriend is one sick f–k.

Well, the therapists didn’t actually say that.  Slandering potential patients isn’t a good career move.  There are mortgages to pay, you know.

So allow me:  Your boyfriend is one instrument short of a band.  You don’t have to listen very long to know something doesn’t sound right.  He declares his eternal love for you while complete strangers are f–king him into hamburger meat?  I know sick.  *That’s * sick. Most relationships would disintegrate with the kind of openness you guys have.

Now, where was I?  Oh, yeah.  Your boyfriend blubbers about love in all the wrong places because he’s emotionally overwhelmed by the sexual freedom you’ve given him. Sex with strangers in your presence puts him in touch with that love and he wants to express it.

The solution is pretty simple.  Pull him aside before your next date with Caligula’s friends and say, “Look, dear, I love to hear you say you love me.  But that’s really personal and I don’t want strangers to hear our deepest intimacies. Our love is special and I want to keep it just between us.”

And don’t forget to end the talk by saying “You Sick F–k.”

Hey Woody!

Is it safe to use the spit of other guys as lube for masturbation?  If the guy has HIV and he spits up a bucketful of saliva, am I in danger if I use it to pound my pud? 

— A handful

Dear Handful:

Wait, let me get this straight.  You ask guys to spit up pails of saliva so you can beat off with it?  What is this, Sick Week at the Sex Advice Corral?

Actually, it sounds hot.  It doesn’t fall under safe sex but it’s pretty low on the risk meter.  The virus is present in saliva but at very low levels.  In fact, the risk of using saliva of an HIV positive man to masturbate with is much lower than the risk of having oral sex with that same man.