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Hey Woody!

I saw this really hot guy across the bar and I swear my zipper started moving down by itself.  He was tall, with the kind of long, sinewy, athletic muscles I pop off to in my fantasies.  But then we met.  What an a–hole!  He had all the social skills of a drunken farmhand.  Everything inside me said “don’t do it, don’t take him home, you’ll regret it.”  But once again the demon below my belt took over.

Anyway, we’re in bed and I’m thinking, “If I can just get this guy to shut up I could really get into this,” because this guy’s body was just f–king beautiful.  Well, needless to say, he was horrible in bed—graceless with no sense of give and take, no sense of timing, no rhythm, nothing.  We’re flopping around and suddenly he sits on my hard cck without a rubber.  When I said “Dude, I got a rubber right here,” he lifts his a off me, blws me and then get this—he FRENCH KISSES me.

I just about had a stroke.  My cck was picking up God only knows what kind of germs, then he sucks it and then he kisses me.  All I could think about was what kind of horrible disease I’m going to get.  Why do I keep going home with guys that are physically attractive but socially repulsive?  And could I have prevented getting a disease if I had jumped out of bed and brushed my teeth or gargled?

—     Sorry it ever happened

Dear Sorry:

Why do you sleep with guys you know you’ll regret?  That’s easy.  Because you’re a pig.  Like the rest of us.

Dealing with good-looking a–holes is like dealing with drugs or alcohol:  When you have enough bad experiences you’ll eventually know when to say “thanks but no thanks.”

You just haven’t had enough bad experiences.  Like the mark of a good partier, the mark of a highly evolved sexual being is to know when to say no.

As for the disease you’re likely to catch, I predict you’ll be dead in three months.  Your only hope is to tithe half your earnings to my ministry.  No wait, that’s not right.  Damn, I gotta stop writing these columns when Creflo Dollar is on.

Hepatitis A is spread by putting something in your mouth that’s been contaminated with the stool of a person with the virus.  It’s a lovely disease, really, what with the jaundice, fatigue, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, intermittent nausea, diarrhea and surly sex advisers using you as Exhibit A for getting vaccinated.

Jumping out of bed and gargling may have helped but it all depends on how far the guy’s tongue went into your mouth and whether you swallowed before you had a chance to gargle.

If you really fear he exposed you to Hepatitis you can get the IgG shot.  It’s a painful motherf–ker but if you get it within 48 hours it’s an effective post-exposure protection.

If you’re gay and you haven’t been vaccinated for Hepatitis A then stop being gay.  It’s an easy series of two shots and it doesn’t hurt.  Remember, a dose of insurance gives sexual reassurance.