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Hey Woody!

This boorish trick came by on a Sunday.  What a clod.  He was dressed and headed for the door before the c-m had even begun to coagulate on the sheets.  I mean, hold me for God’s sakes!  He was up and standing right away, and I’m like, please, relax on the bed, let me get you a warm towel, you know? So my question is, how do you get a trick to just stay put long enough to have some post-coital snuggling? 

—     Touch & Go

Dear Touch:

I’m right there with you, babe.  There’s something so delicious about holding a man after sex.  There’s nothing worse than a guy who comes and goes.

There’s really nothing you can do if he’s just a ship passing in the night.  There’s a period right after orgasm when a lot of guys like you and I feel vulnerable and want the warmth and intimacy you only get from cuddling after sex.  But you don’t discuss vulnerabilities with tricks.  The most you can do is what you did—invite him to stay for a pretzeled snooze.

If he doesn’t accept the invitation you need to be a champ and honor his decision without trying to talk him out of it.  Remember, one does not talk to tricks.  One moans, groans, points and spreads.  Heavy discussions about intimate needs?  That’s what brunch with straight girlfriends is for.

Hey Woody!

When I woke up from penis enlargement surgery, my penis was way swollen, covered in a kind of maroonish purple color.  Injecting fat into my dk was part of the procedure and there were stitches all over the place.  My stomach was bandaged and so were my thighs where the fat had been suctioned out (I didn’t have enough fat in my stomach so they took it from my legs).

Seven months later I’m still bruised from the liposuction and my dk hurts like a mother.  My new enlarged penis has a marble-like lump close to the head with two smaller bumps around the base.  I’m headed for surgery again, to undo the mutilation.  I don’t have a question for you, what I have is a warning for all your readers and I can sum it up in one word:  DON’T.

—    Did and regretted it

Dear Did:

Oh, come on, you big crybaby.  The ninety-eight percent of you guys who suffer the anatomical abominations of penis enlargement surgery ruin it for the 2% who walk away satisfied.

I refuse to discourage people from experiencing crooked, lumpy and deformed shafts, erections that point downward, raw nerves caught in scar tissue and fluid that chronically collects around the testicles.

So what if every major medical association in this country considers penis augmentation experimental surgery?  So what if the surgery is so controversial and yields such poor results that it’s considered unacceptable by both plastic surgeons and urologists (unless you fall into the 2% of people identified as having a “micro-phallus”)?

I say go for it.  Don’t let facts and common sense over-rule your vanity.  I say plunk down $7,000 to $10,000 for penile augmentation surgery, especially if you have an averaged-sized d–k.  You wouldn’t be alone.  Most of the guys requesting the surgery are average-sized.

Dude, you needed help between the ears, not between your legs.  Good luck.  You’re going to need it.