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Hey Woody!

I met this guy at a party where we were both whacked on meth.  He told me he’s a top, and instead of discussing the shallowness of labels I went home with him.  His comment to me as we were heading back to his room was “so, let’s get you spread out.”   Hmmm…well, things happened but not the main event.  Need I say the goddess (Tina) was involved in all major decision-making at that time, bless her crinkly, plastic-encased white self. 

Now this guy has called and he wants to finish the job Tina interrupted.  I’m leery of getting into a situation SOBER that I was into when imbibing (i.e. getting plowed into the box springs).  My recent inclinations are to run the show in bed, to get back in the saddle.  The problem is this guy is a handsome, humpy 6’3” Latin who is fluent in English, except for the word “No.”  It must mean something very different in Spanish.  I really do want to hook up ‘cuz I’m attracted to him, but I don’t want to bottom.  I’m afraid it might get ugly ‘cuz he’s expecting something I’m not sure I wanna provide.  Do you think I should hook up with him and take my chances or just write him off?

—   Sleepless in Atlanta

Dear Sleepless:

Here’s the thing, snort-boy.  You’ve got two problems.  Well, three if you count me.  First, you have this mistaken notion that a promise to put out one night is a guarantee for the next.  F–k that s–t.  *You* are the bouncer guarding the entry to your VIP room.  *You* get to decide who gets in and when, not the Latin patron behind the velvet rope.

Tina has a wonderful disposition but she gives terrible advice.  She’s actually got you believing in the need to submit to something you don’t want to do.  You need to put Tina in her place (which, by the way, is in my dresser, two drawers down on the left).  You don’t have to do s–t if you don’t want to; I don’t care what was done or said to Enrique Iglesias in the past.

Remember, you’re in charge, not him.  If you feel physically threatened by him and think there’s a possibility of rape, then don’t go home with him.  If that’s not the case, I’d call him, tell him you want to hook up, and be, be…..okay, I know this is a foreign word in Gayland… HONEST with him.  Say something like “I really want to hook up with you but here’s the thing:  I’m big on respecting people’s boundaries and I feel like you really haven’t respected mine.  If you’re open to hooking up without pressuring me into doing something I don’t want to do, then name the time and place and I’ll be there.”

As for Julio, Enrique or whatever the hell his name is, I have a feeling he’s going to be one lousy lay.  Any guy who believes penetration is the only acceptable sexual act is a guy bound up in regimentation.  And nothing kills a good roll in the hay than regimentation.

As for you, you need to replace your ON/OFF button with a dimmer switch.  You shouldn’t be saying *“I won’t go home with this really hot guy because I don’t want to get plowed.”*  You should be saying *“This guy’s really hot.  I’ll go home with him and I’ll do whatever feels right to me.  If it doesn’t feel right to get plowed we’ll just do something else.”*