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Hey Woody!

I love getting f–ked by my boyfriend.  After he c-mes inside me I lift my legs so high I practically do a headstand because I want his semen to flood my insides.  It’s almost like taking sacrament.  But I’m wondering what happens to the semen inside me.  I know it seeps out but not all of it.  What happens to the part that doesn’t?  And is there any harm to having his semen inside my body?  We’re both negative and monogamous.

—  Awash in a sea of white

Dear Awash,

Dude, can you say “obsessed?”  Man, I can just see the bunnies boiling on his stove if he ever leaves you.

Semen is the fluid that carries sperm.  It will either travel farther into your rectum or trickle out and dry up.  You know, like bar flies spilling out the door after last call.

I hate to feed your obsession even more, but the semen that doesn’t seep out will carry sperm that’ll survive for three to five days.  Yeah, you read it right.  You can walk around knowing your boyfriend’s sperm is flopping around your insides for up to 5 days looking for an egg.  I can hear the squish in your walk from here.

As far as the semen that seeps out, it evaporates in the open air, killing the sperm with it.  How long does sperm last outside the body?   No one knows because it depends on the humidity, body temperature, consistency of the semen and what body part it lands on.  But it isn’t very long.  The macho gazpacho turns out to be girlie-milk, crying out “I’m melting” as soon as it sees daylight.

Hey Woody!

My parents are coming to visit and our guest bedroom is right next to ours.  My boyfriend and I want to have sex while they’re here but I don’t want my momma to hear her son squealing like a wh-re.  What can I do to make my bedroom a little more sound proof?

—     Thumper

Dear Thumper:

Here’s what an acoustic expert told me:

First, seal your crack.  Not with your boyfriend’s penis, with a weather-stripper.   Then put a threshold seal along the bottom.  The door’s, not yours.  If you can see light through the cracks, sound will go through, too.  Again, I’m talking about the door.

Play songs like “Can’t get enough of your love, baby,” or “Your sweetness is my weakness.”  Anything with Barry White will help muffle your ruffles.  Low frequency noises like headboards banging against the wall can be camouflaged with strong bass sounds.

If your mattress squeaks, Barry won’t help.  Try Britney.  The best thing for squeaky boxsprings is squeaky music.  Next, buy a scrap piece of carpet and place it up against your door.   Wait.  Did I just say that?  I’m turning straight!

Still, heavy carpets and wall hangings are good for absorbing noise.

And if all that fails, do it the old-fashioned way–turn on the shower.  They’ll hear the water running through the pipes of the house, masking your pig-like squeals.