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Hey Woody!

How many calories do you burn f–king?  I’m thinking if it’s high enough, wouldn’t promiscuity be a better way of getting fit than going to the gym?  Besides, I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not a wh-re; I’m an athlete.”  In all seriousness, if I can f–k the fat off, why would I try to try to jog it off?

—  Aspiring Sl-t

Dear Aspiring:

You’re as wrong as pumps at a leather bar.  Do the math and you’ll see what I mean.  Let’s say you weigh 160 pounds.  You’d burn 18 calories while engaging in 10 minutes of foreplay and 102 calories with 20 minutes of intercourse (a ridiculous figure since most guys last an average of 5 minutes when they’re topping).

Even, so compare how many calories you’d burn:

  • 30 minutes of sex:  120 calories
  • 30 minutes of running:  307 calories
  • 30 minutes of aerobics: 254
  • 30 minutes of weightlifting: 220

If you go against my advice and pick sexercising over exercising, you can maximize the calorie burn by picking the right activity.  Here’s a helpful chart:

UNZIPPING PANTS

Using two calm hands:  4 calories

Using one trembling hand:  10 calories

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner:  5 calories

Dragging partner along floor:  100 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With experience:  4 calories

Without experience:  60 calories

With erection:  2 calories

Without erection:  200 calories

ORGASM

Real:  35 calories

Faked:  150 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Facial expression didn’t change:  1 calorie

Shoes flew off:  100 calories

Hey Woody!

I’m 36 and have been single for four years now. I went through a very hard time in a previous breakup and unfortunately it caused major insecurities that caused me to push away a wonderful man I was dating. I acted stupid and have apologized over and over again.  But, Mr. Man will not give me the time of the day now. What else can I do to tell him how sorry I am and how much I miss him without acting like a desperate fool? 

—  One sorry bstrd 

Dear Sorry,

You didn’t tell me what you did so it’s hard to give specifics.  After all, the repair factor is directly related to the severity of what you did.  So, if you f–ked his best friend behind his back (and really, where else could you f–k him?), forgiveness would be difficult but achievable.  On the other hand, if you used his moisturizers without asking, you might as well fall on your sword because there ain’t a gay jury alive that would hand down a forgiveness decision.

Send him a beautiful card and acknowledge, with legible handwriting please, that the hardest part of seeing a potential love affair die is knowing that the wound was self-inflicted.  Tell him you understand his need for some time and space to process what’s happened and that you’ll honor it by keeping your distance. In other words, leave it where Jesus flung it.  Send him flowers about a month afterwards.  If that doesn’t work, kiss your fantasy goodbye.

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.