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Hey Woody!

I’m a surgeon working in the operating room (OR) of a major hospital. One night, a man walks into the ER complaining of an “unfortunate soft drink accident.”

Meaning, he got a Coke bottle stuck up his a–.

Well, Woody, this was no ordinary man. He was the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. He walked in with his wife and a number of our staff recognized him.

They made a small attempt to remove the bottle in the ER but they quickly gave up and made a call to the OR requesting we put him to sleep and do the excavation under anesthetics.

We put him to sleep, turned him over belly side down in a jack-knife position, hoping everything would relax and I could pull it right out using the same instruments we use to deliver a baby in a difficult lie. But it just wouldn’t come out!

We couldn’t be too forceful or rough in our attempts, because if the bottle shattered inside him……well, we would probably cause him to die a slow, awful death.

The anesthesiologist gave him more relaxants than is normally recommended to “loosen him up,” so to speak. Everyone on the surgical team had their favorite position to conduct the reverse penetration–on his back, in stirr-ups, on his side, etc. We spent many, many hours with every instrument in the book with this guy—snickering over how it might have happened.

Since his wife accompanied him to the hospital, we sort of concluded she was in on a playful sex act. I assume, being a public figure, he didn’t dare go out and buy a dildo, so they resorted to common household items.

Around 5 a.m., after several hours of attempted removal, the only option left to us was to turn him over on his back and cut him open to remove it through his abdomen. The procedure was called “laparotomy for removal of a foreign body from sigmoid colon.” But I called it a “Cokectomy.”

We had to take a picture of the foreign body (standard procedure) and then send it to pathology so they could examine it for an official path report.

The most amazing part of all this is the whole thing did NOT make it to the rumor mill and he survived professionally. Clearly, he had inside help because the picture of the Coke bottle disappeared and the final path report did not specify what the foreign body was.

As a medical doctor I don’t have any questions for you. Obviously, this is a cautionary tale to all your readers. When you buy a play toy to go in your rectum, make sure the distal end (the last part to go in), is so big and broad there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that it will slip all the way in.

— Dr. Excavation

Dear Doc:

I don’t think having consumers admitted to the ER with a bottle up their a– was the company’s intent when it came up with the slogan “Have a Coke and a smile.” But, hey, to each his own.

Obviously I can’t publish the name of the CEO but I’ve seen him in business magazines invariably described as a “hard-a–.” Thanks for letting me know why.

Hey Woody!

Is it true that a man’s erect penis size can be predicted by dividing his shoe size in half?

— Just wondering

Dear Wondering:

No, but you can predict my average letter-writer’s IQ by locating the page number this column appears and dividing it in half.

What, are you kidding me with that s–t? There is no research validating any correlation between penis size and Fill In The Blank Here. Bigger hands? They mean bigger gloves. Bigger noses? Bigger boogers. Now go home and come up with an interesting question.

Check out Woody’s latest book, How To Top Like A Stud: A Penetrating Guide to Gay Sex. LINK: http://grabhim.net/how-to-top-like-a-stud/