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Hey Woody!

I’m white and my new black boyfriend wants me to call him “N—-r” in bed.  Now, Woody, I’m a good liberal.  I can’t say s–t like “Take this big white c–k, farm n—-r,” like he wants me to.  What can I do to talk him out of it?  He’s really angry with me, calling me sex-negative and too vanilla.  I feel like I’m violating my own social values just so he can get off in bed.  What should I do?

—-   Shocked right out of Compton

Dear Shocked:

I’d do it while blasting rap music in the background.  Then you’ll just be part of the chorus, and you won’t hear yourself say it.

Look, lots of people want to be dominated in bed.  Some people want to be punished with belts, your boyfriend wants to be punished with epithets.

I agree with you—it’s pretty sick, but when you think about it, is it really any different than a guy who won’t have sex unless you promise to say “Who’s Your Daddy?” Or the guy who makes you say “Open wide, b-tch, I’m coming in.”

Your boyfriend clearly wants to be dominated and he wants you to club him with racist talk.  The only way this could work is if he agreed to, or more importantly, was capable of, separating the role-play from your relationship.  Imagine if, in the heat of an argument, he throws up your racist language in bed as proof that you don’t respect him?

Another thing you might talk about is whether being called a n—-r is a role-playing fantasy or some manifestation of an inferiority complex, which you’d be aiding and abetting.  If that’s the case, forget it, don’t do it.  Let me.  I’m a professional, you know.

Is it going against your value system to say things you don’t believe in a role-play?  No.  I don’t believe in stealing but I can do it in a play when a scene demands it and not feel like I compromised my values.

Hey Woody!

My nipples are large and round. I’m not fat, and the rest of my body looks normal, but my nipples are so big I am ashamed to take off my shirt in front of other guys.  Is there anything I can do about it?

—  Too Nipply

Dear Too:

Asking you to accept your chest in the Nazi-body culture we live in may seem hopelessly unhelpful, but it’s the only way out of your anxiety.

There’s a pot for every kettle.  Believe me, there are lots of guys who love big nipples.  Take your shirt off and you’ll find them.