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Hey Woody!

 I wasn’t just burned in my last relationship, I was incinerated.  It’s been two years since I had sex.  I do masturbate, but I just can’t get myself out there in the dating scene.  I’m too scared and I just can’t handle it, even though I’m dying to have another relationship (or just sex).  What’s your advice for guys like me?

—     Not dating

Dear Will:

I’d tell you what I tell everyone:  Drink.

Never underestimate alcohol’s thigh-splitting properties.  I usually prescribe martinis to Frigid Friedas like you.

As Dorothy Parker once said, “I try to only drink one martini.  With one I fall under a spell, with two I fall under the table and with three I fall under the host.”

I recommend you drink four.

I also recommend you take a good look at what kind of energy you’re projecting.  You can usually tell by your circumstances.

If you’re alone all the time it’s because you project a *“Leave me alone”* energy.  If you’re constantly drawing in a–holes who p-ss all over you it’s because you unconsciously have a blinking light above you that only a–holes can see.  And it reads *“Last Restroom Before Highway.”*

I know you’d rather hear all that bulls–t about “issues” you have to work out before you’re ready to take a chance, but you know what?  I don’t sell cosmetics on this aisle.  Try the next one over.  I’m selling re-built engines.

I know it’s tough to hear, but the reason you’re not dating or having sex isn’t because you’re so wounded.  It’s because you unconsciously push people away.

You can revolutionize your sexual life by asking yourself this simple question:  What are you unaware of about the way you come across, that if you became aware of and changed, you would draw the kind of people you want into your life?

This is a painful question because you have to be honest with yourself.  Engage your friends.  Ask them.  What do you project?  I promise you this:  You have no idea what a lousy rotten energy you put out.  How do I know?  Because if you put out good, vibrant energy you wouldn’t be writing me.  You’d be up to your d–k in d–k.

I know you’re in pain, but if you wait for the pain to go away before you act you’ll find out the true meaning of eternity.   Take my advice.  Don’t wait to work out your “issues.”  Learn to project what you want to draw in and you will draw it in.

If you don’t want to listen to me, listen to Jack in my favorite episode of Will & Grace: *”I am telling you, you’re gonna blink and you’ll be 80 and alone in a caftan with a lap full of catnip saying, ‘Here kitty, kitty.’ It’s time to put the sex back in homosexual, Will.”*

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.