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Hey Woody!

My boyfriend won’t go down on me. It’s driving me crazy. I go down on him all the time and he loves it, but he won’t reciprocate. He says he doesn’t feel right about it and that he plain doesn’t like it. How can I get him to change his mind?

— Dying for Head

Dear Dying:

You’d never hear me say “my boyfriend doesn’t suck d–k.” However, you might hear me say “my *ex-boyfriend* doesn’t suck d–k.”

But enough about how I’d handle the problem.

It sounds like you’re into missionary work, so your best bet is to sit him down for a heart-to-hard talk.

Find out what he doesn’t like about giving head and then ask him what you can do to make it more pleasurable for him.

Is it the taste he doesn’t like? Would it help if he tried it right after you showered? Does he feel too submissive doing it? Find a position where he feels more in control. Is he choking on it too much? Show him how to use his hand to control when, how far and how fast to take you in.

Experiment with him and ask him how he feels every step of the way. You may not get him to suck the chrome off a Buick, but you may get him to do it without resorting to the unholy triangle of threats, bribes and begging that have served me so well with uncooperative boyfriends.

Often, a revulsion toward oral sex is a reaction to sex abuse or just plain bad experiences as an adult. Was he forced to perform oral sex in the past against his will?

His hesitancy may be a manifestation of childhood sexual abuse. If that’s the case, be prepared to have another man in your life: His therapist.

Hey Woody!

I understand why “bottoms” are at high risk for HIV if they don’t use condoms, but why are “tops?” If I don’t have any sores or cuts on my penis, and the virus can only be transmitted through blood, there’s no route of entry is there? What am I missing?

— Tops in my class

Dear Tops:

As you enter a mangina, the opening to your penis gets stretched wide, allowing fecal matter, bacteria and other wonderful things to enter and irritate the lining of the urethra.

We’re talking major irritation. Like when the ugly one in the three-way keeps getting in the way. *That* kind of irritation.

Blood can get in your penis, too, even though it’s not visible to the eye. Everyone’s got hemorrhoids and almost 75% of us will have trouble with them at some point in our lives. Meaning they’ll swell, itch, burst and bleed.

You could be f–king a guy who’s bleeding internally and you wouldn’t know it because it’s microscopic.

As you thrust, the head of your d–k opens, allowing matter and specks of blood into the urethra.

As you back out to thrust again, the urethra closes, pushing down the “material” that just entered further down the shaft, scraping and scratching it. Lovely thought, isn’t it?

That’s why it’s so important to pee right after sex. The acid in the urine helps kill bacteria and basically hoses out everything that’s in the urethra. In fact, whenever you have sex be sure to drink a big glass of water beforehand, so you’ll p-ss like a racehorse afterwards. You might even want to do it on the ugly one, the one that keeps getting in the way.