NW-3018_banner

Hey Woody!

I’m dating Mr. Right, except he turns into Mr. Fright when he kisses. It’s like he’s sweeping for land mines with his tongue. I give him tongue too but it’s more of a flanking maneuver to stop the onslaught. How can I call a truce to our tongue wars and teach him how to kiss better without hurting his feelings?

— Awash in spit

Dear Awash:

You want advice on how to say something inoffensive and you came to me? Try Ladies Home Journal.

I always go by the theory that men are dense but pliable. Meaning, they’re stupid but not stupid enough to leave you over something stupid.

Most guys are receptive to changing their techniques as long as you frame it as a request, not an insult. For example, you could say something like “Look, you moron, you kiss like a pack mule and I’m choking on all the spit you’re hosing down my throat.” But I don’t recommend it. I mean, it worked on my boyfriend, but you need a certain finesse to get away with it.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah. Try this approach instead: “You know what really turns me on? When you do *this.”* Then show him how you want to be kissed and say, “Now you try it.”

Then moan like a wh-re when he does it.

Hey Woody!

My boyfriend and I vacationed at a friend’s gay guesthouse, where Chi Chi LaRue, the famous p-rn director, was shooting her next video.

One day, my boyfriend goes to the gym, and wouldn’t you know it, one of the p-rn stars starts cruising me on the set. He whispers something to Chi Chi and then she heads over to me and announces, *“The star of our show wants you to fluff him for his next scene.”*

Well, Woody, what was I supposed to do, say “No?” So I went into the kitchen, got down on my knees and fluffed until I could fluff no more. My question is, do I tell my boyfriend? We’ve never talked about “cheating.” Which brings me to my next question: Did I cheat? My clothes never came off. The p-rn star never got off. I didn’t have sex with him; I merely prepared him for the sex he was going to have with someone else.

— Fluffy

Dear Fluffy:

It always amazes me what convoluted excuses we make to let ourselves off the hook. Was it sex? Give me a break! Of course it was sex. There’s a reason the word “sex” appears in the phrase “oral sex.”

Is a test any less of a test because it’s an “oral exam?”

I, as judge and jury, pronounce you neither innocent nor guilty of infidelity. I’m throwing the case out on a technicality. How could you have broken a rule if there was no rule to break?

I don’t think you should tell him about the fluffing unless you have a worthy reason for telling him. Unburdening yourself isn’t a worthy reason. Honesty is not the highest value here; love is. Love and honesty are often at odds with each other. If you don’t believe me, answer honestly when your boyfriend asks “Honey, does this shirt make me look fat?” and see where it gets you.

If you’re going to tell him about the fluffing, tell him because you want to open the relationship, because you love him too much to lie and hide and because you want to establish mutually agreeable terms.

Every couple makes rules, whether they’re aware of it or not. Even you guys. Your rules are to not talk about the rules. Trust me, that’s no way to have a relationship. If your relationship has a chance of surviving, it’ll be because you talked about, set, and respected the rules. I know; I lost a great boyfriend because I didn’t pay attention to my own advice.