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Hey Woody!

I love my new boyfriend but his obsession with me kinda scares me. He loves my c-m on his chest so much he won’t shower before work and I swear you can smell it on him. Is this a sign that it’s going to get worse? How can I get him to wash my c-m off?

— The smell that refreshes

Dear Smell:

Geez, I remember when liking a guy meant wearing his ring, not his c-m.

Unless he’s going to work shirtless I wouldn’t worry about it. I say treat it like a good bl-wj-b: Sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

Or spray it on his face and hair instead. If he goes to the office without washing the crud off, *then* we have a big problem.

I’d only worry if his obsession escalated to something truly harmful, like cutting off your toe and hooking it to a keychain. If that’s the case, God help you if you ever break up. There’s nothing worse than a gay Fatal Attraction. First you’ll be the victim of a drive-by doiling and next you’ll find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace encrusted with pecans, hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

I hate mint-fennel sauce on my pets. It ruins the taste.

Hey Woody!

You know what I really hate? Running into guys I’ve had sex with that I don’t want to have sex with again. They always want to stop and talk and then I have to wiggle my way out of why I didn’t call and do I want to have a repeat performance.

Now, I don’t actually say this but I’m always like, “If I wanted you again I would have called, now please move; you’re blocking my view of that really cute guy in the corner.”

What exactly is the politics of greeting a trick you don’t want anymore and getting him to move along?

— Only once, baby

Dear Once:

You’re the kind of person people stand in line to hate. I’d be at the front of it, too, brass knuckles and all.

How dare you treat people like they were a piece of meat? Who do you think you are—ME? I’ve got the patent for treating men like a T-bone. Keep that s–t up and I’ll slap you with a copyright infringement suit.

To answer your question, what you should say depends on the a–hole quotient of the trick. If I ran into you, for instance, I’d probably greet you with something like “Good to see you! You sure are a parasite for sore eyes.”

As arrogant as you are, you do bring up a good point. What’s the protocol when you run into someone who wants to continue seeing you when all you wanted was a one-night stand?

Most of us attended the Greet ‘em, Meat ‘em, and Street ‘em school of seduction and graduated with honors. But we all need a couple of advanced courses on courtesy and respect.

First, don’t assume that running into a trick who chats you up necessarily wants an encore performance. Maybe they see the potential of being friends. Although why anybody would want to be friends with the likes of you is a mystery.

Most of us have the experience of having good friends who started out as tricks. Don’t rob yourself of a potential friendship just because you don’t want to have sex with him again.

If he’s unmistakably looking for a second session, change the subject gracefully by simply saying, “you know, I had a great time with you the other night, but I’d prefer to be friends.”

This is the right thing to do for three reasons: 1) You owe him the honor and respect of a decent conversation, 2) You might get a great friendship out of it and 3) He might lead you to your next victim.

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.