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Hey Woody!

I’m totally into the drug scene but I have to admit things are starting to get a little out of hand. One of my friends actually died from a crystal addiction and several others landed in the ER. I’m in control when I do drugs and I try to get my friends to ease up a little on the throttle, but sometimes they go too far. Last week a friend just passed out cold. As we were waiting outside none of us knew what to do for him. I know this isn’t a sex question but what are you supposed to do while you wait for the ambulance?

— The Helper

Dear Helper:

What should you do while you wait for the ambulance? Another bump. Never let the selfish flailing of a dying friend get in the way of a good buzz.

Seriously, I have to compliment you on the intelligent way you’re using drugs and for the compassion you’ve shown your friend by sticking with him until help arrived.

But enough complimenting—it ruins my reputation. Here’s what you should do when He’s-Ruining-It-For-The-Rest-of-Us bites off a little more than he should snort:

  1. Keep him breathing. If he isn’t, then do mouth-to-c-ck resuscitation. Put his mouth on your c-ck and blow. It’s always the first thing I do when a cute guy falls out.If he isn’t cute, or if you’ve already had him, then do mouth-to-mouth breathing. Make sure he doesn’t aspirate any vomitus if he upchucks (damn, why can’t my medical advisors just say “Make sure he doesn’t swallow chunks of his own vomit?”). Anyway, getting vomit chunks in your lungs can cause pneumonia and kill you within three days. That’s why surgeons don’t perform operations for at least 12-24 hours after you’ve eaten.
  2. Check head-to-toe for unseen injuries. You’re looking for fractures, head injuries, etc. Femur fractures (breaks in the thighbone) can kill because they bleed so much and so quickly. So be sure to check the upper inside thigh. Relieve him of any drugs he’s carrying. Consider it your reward for being so helpful. If a neck injury is suspected, stabilize the head, neck and body. Don’t twist or turn it, unless it’s to steal his money when nobody’s looking. Try to keep him immobilized until you’ve gone through all his pockets and be sure to check the inside of his socks. I always find an extra $20 bill there.
  3. Do what the EMS workers say. Answer their questions truthfully—tell them what drugs your friend was taking. The emergency team isn’t interested (nor does it have the authority) to arrest you, so don’t cop out on your responsibility to help.

Once they load your friend onto the ambulance the EMTs will give him some combination of oxygen, heparin (prevents blood clotting) and fluids. Keeping victims breathing is the biggest challenge of any overdose situation. Especially when I’m in the ambulance throttling them for being so g-dd-mn stupid.

You know, most people start anti-drug campaigns after seeing some of the tragic consequences of drug abuse. I’m more realistic. I start anti-stupidity campaigns. In fact, my slogan is “Just Say Know.” If you’re going to party, Know what you’re taking, Know your limits, Know what combinations to avoid.

If you can’t stay in control do us all a favor and stay home. Ambulances should be chasing heart-attack victims, not idiots who can’t use drugs responsibly.

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.