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Hey Woody!

I’ve been told I’m a great kisser but I couldn’t tell you why—I just do whatever comes naturally. I mean, I don’t say to myself things like ‘okay, dart your tongue in three times, back off and finish with a lick over his teeth.”

Still, I’m wondering, if I wanted to get even better, what would I do? Since I don’t know what I’m doing right in the first place, how do I know what I should do to improve?

— The Kissing Bandit

Dear Bandit:

You’re a good kisser because you love to kiss and you’re into the guy you’re kissing and you live for the effect it has on him.

I doubt you need much technical advice but here are a few tips if you want to add a little hooch to the smooch:

  1. Be rhythmical. Move smoothly from passive to active, from slow to fast to back and forth, from dry to wet, to gentle and wild.
  2. Breathe through your nose. It prolongs the kiss.
  3. Close your eyes. They’ll look like two giant beach balls to the guy you’re kissing if you don’t. And who wants to kiss big balls? Wait. Bad example. Just keep your eyes closed and quit confusing me, damn it.
  4. Make sounds. Small, almost imperceptible sounds. A tiny rumble here, a soft moan there. Communicate what you like and what you’re feeling through noises, not words.
  5. Kiss your partner’s eyes. The heat of your lips on his eyelids will drive him crazy. Just make sure his eyes are closed. There’s nothing worse than getting your corneas licked.
  6. Let your desire show. Look at your partner with a deep, rapacious, insatiable hunger. The way Republicans do when they see the Alaska wilderness.

If you want more tips, send your online pictures. I do housecalls, you know. Or read William Cane’s excellent book, The Art of Kissing.

Hey Woody!

I use some of the phone apps and have actually gone on dates. The majority have been duds. However, there are some dates where both parties had a good time. My question is, what is the proper etiquette as to who calls whom first? Is it the guy who made the first contact or the answeree?

— Unclassifiable

Dear Unclassifiable:

The one with the smallest d–k has to call first. What the hell kind of question is that? You’re sitting there scratching your ass going “Duh, I really like this guy, but I’m not going to call because I hit him up first on the app and everybody knows the guy doesn’t call first.”

For all you know he’s already called but the ringing in your ears drowned out the phone.

Here’s the rule: There ain’t no rule. You do what feels natural in the context of the signals you pick up from the other guy.

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.