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Hey Woody!

Next month I’ll be celebrating an entire year of going out with the same guy and I want to plan something special for our “anniversary,” but I want it to be sexual.  Any ideas?

—  Kickin’ the habit

Dear Kickin’:

I say re-enact the classic sex scene in the movie 9 1/2 Weeks.  Here’s how to do it:

The setting: Your kitchen floor.  He sits with his back to the wall.  You can blindfold him but I think it’s more powerful if he simply closes his eyes and trusts you.

The shopping list: Food of every texture, smell and taste imaginable—soft, hard, chewy, salty, sweet, bitter.  Best bets:  grapes (seedless, don’t be mean), maraschino cherries, strawberries, curly pasta (cooked, don’t be cruel), Jell-O, eggs (boiled, don’t be hateful), peppers, and olives (pitted, don’t be Woody).

The Deed: With his eyes closed you feed him a piece of each food.  But you don’t just feed him; you tease him.  Take a grape and tap it from the bridge of his nose to his lips before plopping it in his mouth.  Let the syrup run on his chin before feeding him a spoonful of maraschino cherries.  Encourage him to play with the food by licking his lips, sticking out his tongue, savoring the flavors.  Two rules for him:  Eyes shut and no hands.  He’s not allowed to touch you.  The secret to making it sexy is to deprive him of some senses (touch and sight), which enhancing the others (smell and taste).  The unpredictability of what you’ll do next also creates a thrilling anticipation.  You won’t believe how sexy it is to hold a plastic bottle of honey, ask that he stick his tongue out and watch the honey ooze out and pool in his tongue.    Make sure you wash down the food with different liquids—milk, juice, water.  For added effect, gulp some wine, hold it in your mouth and squirt it into his.

In most sex sessions you need a c-m towel.  In this one you’ll need a mop and a bucket.  Rent the movie and you’ll see what I mean.  It’s an anniversary he’ll never forget.

Hey Woody!

My boyfriend and I are pretty vanilla but we wouldn’t mind trying out new things, especially getting tied up.  Problem is, that whole bondage scene is so hard-core it pretty much scares us.  Any suggestions for light vanillas like us to darken up?

—  Torn but not tied

Dear Torn:

Try “bondage sheets.” They’re basically soft, velvet-like bed covers with heavy-duty adjustable nylon straps to secure them to your mattress.   Be sure to try my favorite bondage position:  Hog tie him so he has a complete view of his wallet and then put its contents into yours.

Many bondage sheets are designed for “light” scenes, meaning the bound person can escape with a little effort.  Once you get used to it, like it, and build trust you can take the training wheels off and get something impossible to escape from.

Most bondage sheets are machine washable and dryer safe.  Now, is it me or did that last sentence sound a little absurd in a column about Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism?   Oh, well.   You wanted vanilla.  What could be more “light core” than dressing up your darker side with wash-and-wear garments?

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.