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Hey Woody!

A straight married couple has glommed on to me and we do the whole scene:  drugs, club parties, gay bars.  The guy is hot.  I mean like sacrifice-your-career-to-smell-his-dirty-shorts hot.

He’s very affectionate with me, even kisses me hello.  On the mouth.  His wife (who’s also hot) encourages it.  One night we were dancing at a gay bar wired on ecstasy and his wife kisses him, then me, and then says, “okay, now you two kiss.”  We did and I couldn’t believe it.

But that’s as far as it’s really gone.  Then one night his wife goes out of town and the husband calls me, wants to go out.  So we dropped some E and went to a gay bar.  When we came home he asked if he could crash at my place.  I said sure, you can sleep in the spare bedroom.  He’s like, “do you mind if we sleep in the same bed?”

Did I mind.  That’s like asking do I mind if a Greek God feeds me grapes.  So I figure okay, it’s going to happen tonight.  Well, I get in the shower and when I come out he’s in my bed.  Snoring.

We slept, even cuddled a little in the morning and then he went back to his wife.  I don’t get it, Woody.  Why’s he doing this?  He’s driving me crazy.  Should I talk to him?  Do you think he’s secretly gay?

– Looking for a Bi-lateral agreement

Dear Bi-lateral:

There are two possibilities here, none of which are going to get you in his pants, so I guess you can stop reading.

The first is that he’s one repressed motherf–ker and he can’t give himself permission to express his homo tendencies. The most he’ll do is get worshipped at gay bars.

The second possibility, and the one I think is most likely, is that he’s not gay.  He’s expressing himself exactly the way he feels comfortable.

I’m often affectionate with women, a kiss here, a cuddle there, but I don’t want to have sex with them.  Does that make me repressed?

Why is it that if a gay man flirts with a straight woman nobody considers him a repressed hetero, but if a straight man flirts with a gay man he’s considered a repressed homo?

It reminds me of a great joke they tell in Montana:

You hunt all your life; nobody ever calls you a hunter.

You hike all your life; nobody ever calls you a woodsman.

But you suck one c-ck, and they ALWAYS call you a c-cks-cker.

Hey Woody!

Can you get acne in your “t’ain’t” (t’aint’ your a–, t’ain’t your balls)?  It feels like a pimple or two, it’s red and inflamed.  Will over the counter acne medicine help?

–  Pop goes the weasel

Dear Pop,

It’s most likely a small cyst or an infected hair follicle.  Try a hot compress (sorry, tongues don’t count).  Warm baths are your best bet.

Like a good blowjob, heat and moisture will relieve inflammation.  Be sure NOT to put anything in the bath water (Epsom salts, oils, etc.)  They’ll irritate the affected area.

If the baths don’t work after 10 days you’ve probably got a boil, which needs to be lanced and drained, much like the Tea Party.

But don’t try it yourself. Get a doctor.  You’ll probably just drive the infection farther underneath the skin if you try to do it yourself.

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.