Need Wood

Hey Woody!

Last week I went home with a guy I had a crush on 10 years ago.  I hadn’t seen him in a few years and we ran into each other at a bar.  He seemed to have really aged and put on some weight, while I’ve gotten all buff at the gym.

He was really into me that night and I found myself going home with him more out of once having a crush on him than actually liking him now.

He kissed me in the bar and it sort of but not really turned me on.  He practically begged me to go home with him.  I did, but not without saying we probably wouldn’t have sex, that I’d have to leave his place real soon, and on and on with more rules and demands.

When we got to his place I basically took a “blow me” approach and I left before he came.  I really feel s–tty about what I did.

Looking back I realized I was angry that he never paid me attention 10 years ago, but now that he’s getting older and pudgier suddenly I’m acceptable.  Anyway, I’m feeling like I should call him and apologize but then I think, he’s just a trick, you don’t call tricks to apologize.  What do you think?

—  Ashamed

Dear Ashamed:

All your “rules and demands” smack of vindication, a power payback for not having wanted you back then.  Basically, you went home to lord it over him.

Should you call him?  Absolutely not.  What would it accomplish?  You’ve done enough damage.

What you did was completely understandable but it was mean and shallow.  I won’t have you encroaching on my territory.  You stick to being principled and leave the cruelty and superficiality to me.

I joke a lot about men being pigs (well, actually, that’s no joke) but just because someone’s been a pig to you does not mean you should be a pig back.  You cannot grow as a person until you can be kind to the people who were cruel to you.

Instead of going home with him you should have said, “You know, I used to have a crush on you 10 years ago and you never paid me attention.  Now, you have a crush on me and I’m only interested in being friends.  Isn’t life funny?”

Hey Woody!

Is it true that Viagra’s coming out with a nasal spray?  This is a joke, right?

— Sniffin’ and Wonderin’

Dear Sniffin’:

The spray is manufactured by Palatin Technologies, and it works the same way Viagra does  — by dilating the blood vessels in the penis.

A single dose of PT-141 takes only 15 minutes to kick in.  Viagra sometimes takes over an hour.

And there’s more. Unlike Viagra, which only bulges you below the belt, PT-141 bulges the entire central nervous system, creating a full-body arousal.

Spray me, baby.

Studies on humans began last year with no reports of serious side effects.  It’s unclear how it affected men.

The best part is that the spray won’t be off-limits to people with high blood pressure. Alas, FDA approval of PT-141 is a long way away.