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Hey, Woody!

I’m a 22-year-old curious deaf young man wanting to look for a lover.  When I go on a public transportation, I can’t tell who is gay or not.  I feel that I do not have a “gay radar.”  Where do I find a man who likes me very much?  Do I need to go to a club?  I’m 5’6” and 250 pounds.  Please help me find someone to have a relationship with or just to roll around with.

—  Signing for love in all the wrong places

Dear Signing:

What do you mean you’re looking for a relationship?  You’re already a couple.  Look in the mirror and meet your other half.  What you really want is another guy for a three-way.

Let’s take your “gaydar” question first.  How do you tell if someone’s gay?  Put mirrors around the room and yell “Fire!”  The last ones out are gay.

The idea that you can just look at a guy and tell he’s gay is ridiculous.  It’s insulting, actually, because the premise behind it is that all gay men look and act a specific way.

That being said, there is no question that you can develop “gaydar,” the ability to detect which guys think vaginas belong in monologues.

“Gaydar” scans for hints and clues, not facts and rules.  Most of us are pretty good at it, hitting maybe a 70-80% batting ratio.  The three big gay clues?  Lingering eye contact, no wedding rings, no talk of chicks.  The three big straight clues?   Little eye contact, non-stop sports talk, nauseating obsessions with vaginal secretions.

But Gaydar isn’t going to do you any good unless you’re looking for guys who want to mount small planets.   So I guess option #1 is to simply trap guys in your gravitational pull.

Option #2 is to do the healthy thing and reach your ideal weight by losing 100 pounds.

Hey, Woody!

Quick question:  Why do men have nipples?  Is there some biological reason for them?  Or are they strictly ornaments?

—  Just Wondering

Dear Just:

The answer’s pretty mind-blowing, actually.  Men have nipples because there’s a good chance we’ll turn into females in the first few months of pregnancy.

If we do, our nipples become biologically useful by becoming the retail end of a mother’s milk factory.

Males and females are essentially identical blobs of tissue when the sperm scrambles the egg.  For example, the same tissue that turns into ovaries in women turns into testicles for men.

For the first few months after the big bang, the womb becomes a drag bar—you can’t tell the boys from the girls.  Even with ultrasound, you can’t tell the difference between male and female genitalia until the 15th week of pregnancy.

We have nipples as a sort of insurance policy nature cashes in if she decides to turn us into women.

Alas, once our chromosomes decide we’re not going to be females the nipples become, like so many men in general, useless.