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Hey, Woody!

I know you’re going to make fun of me when I ask this question.  It just goes to show you how desperate I am. I have desires that I’ve only recently owned up to.  I fantasize about them all the time but I’ve never acted on them for obvious reasons.  Here it is:  I get really turned on by the idea of guys throwing up on me in bed.  I especially get hard thinking of throwing up on them.  I’m too ashamed to go to a therapist and too turned on to not act on my fantasies.  What do I do?

– – – Up Chuck

 

Dear Chuck:

Hang out at late night club parties, look for potential overdose cases, slide underneath them and save them from choking on their own vomit.  You can turn a fetish into a public service.  Just make sure to get the big chunks and lick the floor completely clean.  I don’t want to slip on it when I walk by.

You are what shrinks call a “refluxophile,” somebody who eroticizes vomit.  In other words, a freak.

But like all freaks, you’re welcome into Woody’s fold.  As long as you hold your head out the inclusive tent when you’re going to blow chunks.

“Roman showers,” the street name for what you like, is pretty hard-core.  You’re not going to find too many people who share the fantasy, but they’re out there.  You could advertise, look for fetish message boards or, if you want to take a short-cut, take your finger out of the back of your throat and dial up a “fetish escort service.”  It’s expensive, probably around $1,800 a heave.

There are regurgitation recipes for you “spew sex” freaks.  One fetishist told me he mixes semen, ice cream, fruit juice and urine.  One sip and his partner heaves like a ‘ho.  The real hard-core people eat five-course meals before letting the puke play begin.

Should you try to change your fetish?  Let me regurgitate my standard answer:  The only time you should try to change a fetish is if it gets in the way of good sex or is harmful to you or your partner.

There is one other option you might consider:  Date a bulimic.

 

Hey, Woody!

Is pre-c-m the same thing as c-m?  Why do some people have it and others don’t?  And what’s the point of pre-c-m anyway?  Does it serve any purpose?

—  Wondering

Dear Wondering:

You know what happens when somebody puts a big T-bone steak in front of you when you’re hungry?  Well, the same thing happens to your d–k when you put a prime cut of meat in front of it—it salivates.

“Pre-ejaculatory fluid,” or as I like to call it, D–k Salivation, is a clear liquid bubbling up from the penis when you get sexually aroused.  The quantity varies from zero to buckets depending on the man and the situation.

The liquid is manufactured in two small glands attached to the urethra.  The urethra is the tube that carries urine and semen from the bladder to the end of the penis.

In women the urethra is very short and runs from the bladder to the opening just under the…wait, why am I talking about women?  Who gives a s–t?  They can start their own column.  And I’ve got the perfect name for it too:   “Need P—y? Tips for Getting Tits.”

But I digress.  Be careful with pre-c-m.  It can transmit all kinds of STDs, including HIV.  No one really knows the purpose for d–k salivation.  Some experts believe it “washes out” leftover urine in the urethra so that it doesn’t kill sperm when you ejaculate (urine contains acid.).

Personally, I think pre-c-m serves the same purpose as this column—to irritate as many people as possible.

 

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