Hey Woody,

I’m a big believer in “reading” signs. Sometimes what looks to be a good sign turns bad and vice versa. What do you think are the most common misinterpreted signs between gay couples?

– Signologist

Hey Woody,

I’m a big believer in “reading” signs. Sometimes what looks to be a good sign turns bad and vice versa. What do you think are the most common misinterpreted signs between gay couples?

– Signologist

Dear Signologist:

Here are my top three misperceived “bad signs”:

1. Your partner no longer gets dressed up for dates anymore.

Most guys think he’s lost interest. I say he’s lost his will to shop. Or, more likely, he’s showing how comfortable he is around you. You dress up to impress. You dress down to decompress. What bigger compliment can you get than to have someone say, “That I’m with you is more important than what’s on me.”

2. You don’t have sex every time you spend the night together.

Don’t confuse the height of the flame with the depth of the heat. The path towards intimacy starts with lust’s migration to love. Daily sex is not a pre-requisite to achieving a fully realized relationship.

3. Your partner doesn’t always offer to cover the check (if he once did).

Why should he always be the dinner table’s ATM? He’s chafing at the rigid role of provider. He’s looking for a little equality, which has the unfortunate consequence of thinning your wallet.

Now, here are my top 3 “good signs” that have the potential to bust your lust:

1. Your partner drops the “L” word very early in your relationship.

Run! His moving vans are on a state of high alert. Courtships can be intense but they do follow a general time-line. If he’s saying the “L” word much before the 6 month period, he’s not seeing you as much as the ring he wants on his finger.

2. Your partner wants to go EVERYWHERE with you, even when you’re spending quality time with friends.

Barnacles are for ordinary ships, not relationships. Jealousy, loneliness, and fear propel lovers to attach themselves inappropriately. A relationship needs room to breathe and he’s sucking all the oxygen out of the room.

3. Your partner is always complimenting your appearance.

Actually, I lied. This is a good sign no matter what. You should be more worried when the compliments stop than when they won’t stop. That he’s expressing praise and approval on a consistent basis means you continually capture his attention and admiration.

Hey Woody,

My boyfriend and I sleep in separate beds. Most of my friends think this is weird and predict our relationship is doomed. Do you think it’s true? They’re saying we don’t really love each other.

– Sleeping Soundly

Well, it all depends on why you’re not sleeping together. If it’s because he smells like road kill or because you’re banishing him to the couch for screwing the pool boy AGAIN, then, yeah, you’ll probably break up. But there are lots of happy couples that don’t sleep together. According to the National Sleep Foundation, 25% of couples don’t share their mattresses. You can have a great relationship in bed without actually sleeping in it. “Separately-bedroomed” couples usually go to bed together, have sex, cuddle, talk, fantasize about the new guy at the gym—you know, the usual things gay couples talk about—and then one partner gets up and sleeps in another bedroom.

When they wake up, one gets out of his bed and climbs onto the other one’s to cuddle, have sex and talk about the new guy at the gym.

Why do some couples sleep separately? Usually one partner snores too loudly, likes a wildly different room temperature, or simply gets more restful sleep when they’re alone. Unless you know why a couple is sleeping separately you shouldn’t rush to judgment. That’s my job.

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Sweating Too Much

Hey Woody,

I read your answer to “smelly” (how to tell your new boyfriend his crotch smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket). Loved your answer but wanted to add a different dimension to the problem. I’m one of those guys who smell down there because I sweat so much. It’s very embarrassing. It doesn’t take much to soak my shirt. I could be in a mildly warm bar and sweat like I’m a whore in church. Any advice for people like me?

– Spikot

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.

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