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“Those who practice abstinence have no chance of becoming pregnant.” – Wise words from “teen activist” Bristol Palin.  We have to start with the big story everyone is talking about: my guest-starring appearance on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Let’s face it, I ask the tough questions wherever I go. So when Jeffrey Sanker had me and Candis Cayne handle white carpet interviews at his White Party, it was a perfect fit. When I was told I’d be chatting with Kim Zolciak, I have to admit I was stumped. Obviously I couldn’t gush about her “singing” – I had my credibility to consider (and I’m not sure she’d know what air quotes were).

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“Those who practice abstinence have no chance of becoming pregnant.” – Wise words from “teen activist” Bristol Palin.

 

We have to start with the big story everyone is talking about: my guest-starring appearance on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Let’s face it, I ask the tough questions wherever I go. So when Jeffrey Sanker had me and Candis Cayne handle white carpet interviews at his White Party, it was a perfect fit. When I was told I’d be chatting with Kim Zolciak, I have to admit I was stumped. Obviously I couldn’t gush about her “singing” – I had my credibility to consider (and I’m not sure she’d know what air quotes were). Instead, I decided to ask her about her tête-à-tête with DJ extraordinaire Tracy Young. After all, we’re at the biggest gay dance party in the world and she’s come out of a relationship with a woman – it’s not a huge leap! Candis starts the conversation to soften Kim up. And then I pounce like a puma and ask about Tracy. What you don’t see is Kim rolling her eyes and saying, “I should have known you’d wanna talk about that.” I said, “No problem, we don’t have to,” and turned to walk away. She grabbed me in a death grip and said, “No, that’s OK” – because if there’s one thing Zolciak wants more than getting away from me, it’s publicity. The Bravo telecast picks up with Kim answering the question defensively, Candis looking positively ashen, fellow housewife/songwriter Kandi trying to figure out which of us blonds was the most feminine and me gloating. I don’t think it’s too soon to be talking spin-off.

 

Everyone’s been talking about Brett Favre’s penis, who you may remember from the film “Something about Mary.” Allegedly, he was trying to woo some chick who worked for the NY Jets and decided to send her some photos of his penis. Ya gotta love straight men – they actually think a photo of a soft penis is gonna get them laid. Really? Since I know you’ll wanna see for yourself, consider them posted.

 

Lawyers for the estate of Joe DiMaggio have threatened to sue Yale University Press if they used a photo of him on the cover of their book about DiMaggio’s marriage to Marilyn Monroe. Of course, if Yale finds someone with the legal rights to a photo of the two, problem solved. But what about a photo of Joe DiMaggio’s penis? Who has the rights to that? I’m guessing I do, since it just appeared in my inbox with no explanation. Jumpin’ Joe’s manhood is exposed in this photo from 1940 showing him showering after a game – and smiling for the cameras. You’ll be smiling too when you check it out at BillyMasters.com

 

If that made you smile, the nude photo of Mickey Mantle may induce a cartwheel! It should go without saying that I’ve seen a lot of penises in my day. Many in person. Many in photos. Many belonging to famous people – both in person and in photos. But, Lord have mercy, this is something! Mickey standing in front of his locker, in front of reporters, without a lick of clothing. Between his face, his body, and that d*ck, it’s almost too delectable for words. But in the back of my mind, a word did pop up – skeptical. And that’s not because it looks fake; this looks pretty genuine. And it certainly provided me with several minutes of “pleasure.” But really?

 

Christina Aguilera also announced that her marriage is over. This was not news to anyone who’s been at The Roxy on a Sunday night – the night Samantha Ronson DJs. It’s a curious influence, since this week Aguilera was allegedly engaged in a marathon make-out session with a fetching filly (who was most definitely NOT Ronson – despite what you may have read elsewhere). Perhaps we can blame this one on alcohol. Rumor has it Tina had to be carried out of the club by her burly security guard. We hear the gal went with them.

 

On a positive note, congratulations to Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, who became parents on October 12th to twins Gideon Scott and Harper Grace. This is not uncharted territory for Burtka. He actually has twins from his decade-long relationship with Lane Janger, who you may recall as the actor/director/writer/producer of the film “Just One Time.” While the paternity of the newborns has not been disclosed, we do know that luscious Lane is the biological father of Flynn and Javin Janger – who just happen to have been born on October 19, 2000. Maybe they can all celebrate future birthdays together.

Our “Ask Billy” question this week comes from Randy in Bangor: “Have you seen the new Old Navy commercial with the hot leaf blower and the mannequins? Who is he?”

 

I assume you’re talking about the leaf blower and not the mannequin. And he should look familiar – I told you all about him in the September 13th installment of this column (available with the rest of the archives at BillyMasters.com). That would be the very sexy Brazilian model Thierre di Castro. You’ll also recognize him in the Zoosk commercial as the hot shirtless fantasy man who bangs into that woman (as if…). He’s certainly rocking those abs and looking cuter than ever in this clip – to say nothing of the many sexy shots we have on BillyMasters.com.

 

When it’s mid-October and we’re already into reruns, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Did I mention that my big episode with those Housewives is running pretty incessantly on Bravo? I wonder if I’ll get residuals for each airing? While I’m looking into this, you can look into BillyMasters.com – the website that always puts out. For your more personal needs, I’m only an e-mail away. Just send your every desire to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Neil, David and Lane star in an all-gay remake of “Yours, Mine and Ours”! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.


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