wood3

Infatuated with Big Dicks/Ripe Smells

Hey Woody,
I love how guys smell, from fresh sweat (not the same as “BO” for the ignoranti), to crotch smells, etc. (not the same as caca for philistines!).  The right smell is 10 times more effective than Viagra.  I’ve picked up great looking guys online but if they show up, like they usually do, smelling of soap and baby powder, sorry, but my stick goes south.

wood3

 

Hey Woody,

I love how guys smell, from fresh sweat (not the same as “BO” for the ignoranti), to crotch smells, etc. (not the same as caca for philistines!).  The right smell is 10 times more effective than Viagra.  I’ve picked up great looking guys online but if they show up, like they usually do, smelling of soap and baby powder, sorry, but my stick goes south.  Before meeting, I’ve tried to tell them indirectly that I don’t like soap smells, but usually they run away as if I’m going to show up smelling like I smeared a Camembert in my crotch.  Am I deviant and abnormal?  Will ex-gay therapy cure me of this?   It seems that everybody has been brainwashed by a 50’s housewife mentality –everything in its place looking pretty.  How can I tell guys what I like without having them run away?

– Sniff, Sniff

Dear Sniff-Sniff,

You’re scaring people off because you haven’t struck the right tone.  Too direct (“I love nicotine-stained underwear!”) and they’re going to hit the delete button like a woodpecker.  But too indirect and they’ll do the same thing.  Why?  Because the absence of information forces people to make negative assumptions.  

So, be straightforward but diplomatic.  I wouldn’t wax rhapsodic about the joys of smelling ripe armpits in your profile.  I’d say something more like, “You know how men get turned on by what they see?  I get turned on by what I smell.  So, my perfect sexual experience would be for you to show up showered without scented soap, cologne or deodorant.  Or unshowered, but without smelling like an anchovy’s vaj.”   

Ok, maybe I’d leave out the vaj part, but you get my point.  Ask and you shall receive.  

Hey Woody,

I’m a hung top infatuated with big dicks.  Trouble is, most hung guys are tops.  So I either meet someone who’s hung but sexually incompatible or someone compatible but not hung.  Help!

– Big dick daddy

Dear Big Dick Daddy,

If you’re going to generalize then at least be somewhere in the neighborhood of truth.  Right now, you’re three planets over.

Guys who pitch but don’t catch do it because A) They like pitching,  B) They don’t like catching, C)  Have a few hangups.  So, you’re most likely to be the active partner if you’re the older guy in the relationship, the richer guy, the taller guy, the bigger guy, the more powerful guy, the guy most concerned about his “masculinity,”  NOT because you have a big dick.  I know my generalizations are pockmarked with exceptions but at least my views orbit planet Earth, not Mars.  

To further discredit your assumptions, think about this:  Being hung can handicap you.  I mean, if you come at somebody with a regulation bat between your legs I don’t know too many guys whose sphincters are going to wink and say, “Have a seat.”  They’re more likely to point to your schlong and faint.

Another thing, Mr. Tripod.   The reason you’re so sexually frustrated is that you’re bedroom repertoire is about as wide as a pubic hair.  What’s wrong with two guys who prefer topping going home and having oral sex?  Your love life is going to go bankrupt if f–king is the only currency in your sexual economy.

SHARE
Previous articleWhat’s HOT! Central Florida, June 17, 2010
Next articleDr. Cheatham Interview
Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.

LEAVE A REPLY